THE WOMAN IN ME & THE PAIN By Michelle Collier

THE WOMAN IN ME
I Look in a Mirror & What do I see?
The eyes of a Stranger looking back at Me
Which Is the Woman Behind The Glass?
The one Longing For Love or The one Pushing It Past?
~
Feeling So Close ~ Yet So Far Away
At Once It Is Night and Still It Is Day
Look Into My Eyes~Oh Why Can't You See
the Woman Inside the Woman In Me
~
Emotional OPPOSITES Is What We Are
Like Black to White & Close to Far
Cold Hearted Bitch Chases Love Away,
One Desperate For Love Begs IT to Stay
~
A Mirage of Feelings- So Full Of Fear,
Leave the Mind to Disappear on A Tear
Always Smiling Brightly, For My Friends To See
Alone stands the Woman Inside, the Woman in Me.
by Michelle Collier 4 -94

THE PAIN
The Pain
is a million little needles
all puncturing the Skin
Pricking your eyelids; In & Out Again

The Pain
is a heart bursting wide open
Lungs Devoid of Air
Body Starved for Love
that's Just Not There

The Pain
Is the Choice of Death or Life
of Lust or of Love-
Do I go To Hell Below
Or Up To Heaven Above?

The Pain
Is in the Knowing, No Matter What I Do
Never Again Will I Recieve, Any Love From You
I'll Never Taste Your Sweet, Sweet Lips
Or Feel Your Love Divine...
OH God, what a Cold, Cold Hell Is Mine

The Pain
Is the LOVE of a Lifetime
Slipping Away for the Lust of the Hour
White Hot Love~More Precious Than Gold
Lies in the Ashes Broken and Cold

The Pain
Is Looking Toward the Future
and Seeing NOTHING There
And No One Left Who Cares

The Pain
Is Slowly Loading Up Your Gun
Taking one Last Look at your Only Son
And eating the Bullet Of a Small Shot gun.
By Michelle Collier~ 1992
 I wrote both of these in the early '90's after a Serious Breakup.  I did not Kill Myself-hahaha as you can see I am alive and well- I just thought they may help someone else going through what I went through to see that it does get better and 'Life Goes On',  as long as you just wait it out! This too shall pass....

Week 8 March 23-29, 2012- This is my MIRACLE! My True Story!

I was at AA and I met this Lady there and invited her to Celebrate Recovery- Because it is So Good right? Well the week I invited her (before she went), my front tooth just fell out while I was eating some noodles. It was a cap and it fell out post and all. Well it made me sick to my stomach and I was just crying and crying cause I looked like Shit ya know? I mean I only have ten teeth anyhow, but it was like that was a key one, ya now? I super glued it back in and because I believe that my God can take care of me, because in the bible it says he can and will- and to my way of thinking if I don't trust God with it, then I am basically calling him a liar, I started praying and asking him to take it from me because I knew he would provide for me. Any how after the tooth thing happened I invited this gal to come to C.R., and she wasn't supposed to show up because she had a date, but when I got there she was there. I was happy to see her there and she really loved it there. Meanwhile for the next couple of weeks I kept praying and trying to give this situation (about my teeth) over to God and I would get some peace but then I would start thinking about it and I would get all scared and start wondering how "I" was going to get my teeth fixed right? Then I would cry and then I'd remember to give it to God again...Well I did this for about two weeks - one week past when I invited this gal to C.R. & FINALLY I found relief and stopped being afraid and found I really did trust God to take care of my teeth -In the two weeks in between While I was still trying to "manage the situation" I had been to the dentist and been told there was no way they could fix them. I would have to get full dentures upper and lower and they are Expensive-- I had no way in sight to afford them. Anyhow at that point I knew I really would have to give it up to God, and I struggled with it - praying 5-10 times or more a day -Anyhow I finally Got PEACE. Exactly one week - 7 days- after I got peace, this lady whom I had only met like 5x's and who didn't know anything about the teeth situation pulls me aside at AA and goes, "I need to talk to you but I don't want to offend you"...She goes, "you know that guy I am dating?" I said, "yes" and she goes, "he is a dentist"... I go, "really??" She goes, "I talked to him about you, and told him you are on fire for God, and have been sober for a long time and he said he would do your dental work pro-bono, for FREE!!!! ALL OF IT!!" I said "AMEN!! You Don't Even know what an answer to prayer that this is" She didn't even know about my prayers and WOW!GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!! I had thought to myself when I was praying, God could just make new teeth grow in my mouth if he wanted to and if he did that I would have to tell everyone the miracle I had experienced and to my way of thinking Regardless of how he answered my prayer I know He has answered it. GOD HAS GIVEN me new Teeth! I have my first appointment on the 9th of April and I just have to share with everyone how God has Blessed me!!! I hope it Blesses everyone else too!!

Week 7 March 16-22- The farmer and the sheep

THE FARMER & THE SHEEP
Once upon a time there was a farmer and his wife who lost their son. The wife went to church faithfully, but the farmer refused to go to no matter how often the pastor invited him. One day the pastor went out to the farmer's house to try yet again to get the farmer to come to church. As he pulled up to the farmer's house the farmer was coming outside. The pastor asked him if he had time to talk for a minute and the farmer said he had chores to do. So the pastor asked the farmer if he minded if he walked along and talked with him while he did his chores. The farmer told the pastor that was fine. They walked along talking and the pastor was praying desperately for a way to reach the farmer when they suddenly came to a small river. In the middle of the river was an island and on the island was a mama sheep and her baby. The farmer told the pastor that it had rained recently and that must be how she got trapped. He excused himself, saying he would be right back. He then waded across the river to the island and scooped up the baby sheep, then he waded back across the river and found some nice soft grass and laid the baby in it. The pastor watched all this. Then he asked the farmer a question, "Why did you do that?" Why didn't you bring the mama across? The farmer responded, "if I didn't bring the baby the mother would stay out there and starve to death, because she wouldn't leave her baby, but if you just go out & bring the baby across then the mother will follow. The pastor then told the farmer that is what God did with your son. He knows sometimes the only way to get one across is if the other one is already there.  Suddenly the farmer understood, his son was on the other side, he repented right then and there and prayed the salvation prayer, because like the momma sheep he would not leave his baby!
I know you love your mom, and I know your mom loved you and the fact that she told you that God was the only answer tells me right now she is in heaven, hoping and praying that you will join her there. Do not get me wrong I am not telling you that God killed your mom. He does not kill people. The only reason people die is because sin was brought into this world and along with sin came death, it was apart of our punishment for sin. God has really been putting you on my heart. I pray for you often and I have been looking for a way to share with you how much God loves you. If you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. Please be like that mama sheep who followed her baby across the river, I know that is what your mom would want.   She would want you to live a long and happy life, and to be CLOSE to God.  But it is your choice. Please remember, you will either get bitter or you will get better and your mom would desperately want you to get better. Bitterness will destroy your life, it will lead you down dark roads, roads filled with trouble, heart ache and sadness, this is not the road your mom wants for you. It is not the road that God wants for you but you have to choose for yourself what road you will travel put some thought into it and choose wisely. You are loved. God bless.

Week 6 March 9th-15th

Week 6 March 9th-15th. 
Well, the grades are in, and I am happy to announce that we got an A on our group web page!  It was a bit of a struggle, but well worth the result.  I went to our web page and it looks really nice.  If you would like to go and check it out here is a link: http://comm-15-51945.webs.com   There are quite a few good recipes on this website, feel free to try them out and let me know what you think.  The teacher finally posted the links page on blackboard so we could could send her our link to the website to get our grades. Long story short, my group got 100 out of 100!  Good news on my blog assignment to, the teacher said she would grade from when I started blogging and tweeting and Face booking, because of an error on her page.  So I am happy that I do not have to start all over and get no credit for the last months work.  So all in all, this class is going great!
Tonight I find out how I did on my last Spanish test, I think I did reasonably well on it.  At least I hope I did!   I will find out in about 2 1/2 hours.   I will let you know in my next blog.  I went to the rock and worship roadshow last night.  It was awesome!  It lasted about 4 1/2 hours, and there were a lot of good groups but I have to say Disciple, LaCrae, 10th Avenue North, and Mercy Me were my favorites.  I bought a CD from Mercy Me for only five dollars.   That was a very good deal for some great music!   Today I slept till noon just to catch up on my sleep because I have been very busy for the last week.  This is the beginning of another very busy week! 

Week 5 2/29/12 -3/6/12 AKA March 2nd-8th

Week 5 Feb 29th - March 6th.
Hello again. I have been one busy beaver. I finally got my assignment done for my online communications class. I think it turned out really well, I just hope that all the links work once Scott gets everything put on to the page. I am still not sure how to, or what, to send to the teacher to show her the web page, but I am going to ask around and see if someone else knows, otherwise I will ask the professor! Right now I am still hoping I will be able to figure it out on my own like I did with the posting of the videos! It is more than a little frustrating not having actual instructions on how to do a lot of the class work but I get over that pretty quickly and I actually am pretty good at figuring stuff out on my own. I like the discussion board assignment it gets pretty lively there- but it seems like it would be pretty hard to grade a class like this. So much of what we do is all over the place. I guess I may have jumped the gun on this assignment and on the Fb assignment but that is because the teacher posted two different instructions on the syllabus and on the assignments page on blackboard, and I figured "better safe than sorry" so I started a month early and have been killing myself trying to remember to do the assignments. Its hard cause twitter is everyday, Face book is 3x's a week, Blog is once a week and black board is one post a week and two responses a week- and I have short term memory loss hahahaha. Any how I figure that by starting a month early, maybe I will finally have lodged it in to my memory banks by the time the assignments actually start and I won't forget to do anything! I am aiming for an A in this class! Other than that I have been going to church 3x's a week, and meetings 4x's a week, and taking my daughter, whom I home school, to her math classes 2x's a week and to her Academic Game Plan once a week. And then there is my Spanish Class twice a week, ha ha ha. It is nice to be busy and doing things to improve myself and and to be taking care of my responsibilities. OK see you next week!

Week 5 Feb. 29th -March 6th

Week 5 Feb 29th - March 6th.
Hello again.  I have been one busy beaver.  I finally got my assignment done for my online communications class.  I think it turned out really well, I just hope that all the links work once Scott gets everything put on to the page. I am still not sure how to, or what, to send to the teacher to show her the web page, but I am going to ask around and see if someone else knows, otherwise I will ask the professor!  Right now I am still hoping I will be able to figure it out on my own like I did with the posting of the videos!  It is more than a little frustrating not having actual instructions on how to do a lot of the class work but I get over that pretty quickly and I actually am pretty good at figuring stuff out on my own.  I like the discussion board assignment it gets pretty lively there- but it seems like it would be pretty hard to grade a class like this.  So much of what we do is all over the place. I guess I may have jumped the gun on this assignment and on the Fb assignment but that is because the teacher posted two different instructions on the syllabus and on the assignments page on blackboard, and I figured "better safe than sorry" so I started a month early and have been killing myself trying to remember to do the assignments.  Its hard cause twitter is everyday, Face book is 3x's a week, Blog is once a week and black board is one post a week and two responses a week- and I have short term memory loss hahahaha. Any how I figure that by starting a month early, maybe I  will finally have lodged it in to my memory banks by the time the assignments actually start and I won't forget to do anything!  I am aiming for an A in this class!  Other than that I have been going to church 3x's a week, and meetings 4x's a week, and taking my daughter, whom I home school, to her math classes 2x's a week  and to her Academic Game Plan once a week.  And then there is my Spanish Class twice a week, ha ha ha.  It is nice to be busy and doing things to improve myself and and to be taking care of my responsibilities.  OK see you next week!